sending hamant his video...

kinda reflected on myself... am i really that "valuable" to a girl? i mean not to her alone... i mean to any typical girl... do i have that "factor" which attracts girls? some juniors say i'm a good and kinda leader... some peers comment that i lead well if the situation calls for it. a couple of seniors say that i am a person of morals....

BUT does that really count? does the opposite gender find it attractive? or am i just really a programmed statistic that can lead and perform whatever he needs to? i mean come on.... i've tried and failed more than 5 times... (statistics are undervalued) some say cause i'm too "english" others say.... you're not my type.... the rest.... cold shoulder treatment for the next month..... hmmm? what............. -_-''

am i playing my cards wrongly? did i choose my principles to be too strict and outdated in today's society? am i placing too much value in virtues such as Honour and Loyalty? is the goal of being someone's loyal knight too childish?

what if i change myself? would i be living a lie? should i change myself? is it worth changing myself? i really wonder....

question is.... how do you forget the person of ya dreams.... who've ya grown to cherish and love so dearly it makes you cry when you see her suffer..... her very feelings rub onto me.... when she feels happy in her world... i'm happy in my world.... when she goes nuts... i do too..... what is this feeling one must ask..... tried as i have to forget and let her go for my own reasons..... (and they're good ones) she can never leave my heart.... but only digging deeper.... for the better good of our own lives.... i feel separation is the only option.... (SEA history????) but do i want it? never in my lifetime.... question is... does she want merger? tis a question that i'm afraid to ask..... for the possible cold shoulder that may follow.... would tear my heart apart....

like a knife thrusted into one's body.... you fear to pull it out.... yet it is painful to leave it there.... but it slowly travels deeper into your body..... one feels more pain and grows even more tempted to pull it out...... so what is the solution.... cause when one pulls that knife out..... one would bleed to death if it went deep enough.... and aye..... tis knife has gone deep..... ... ... ... ... ...

good analogy? happens when i'm really tired..... kinda tend to do this sorta reflective kinda thingys..... but i assure you.... its not crap after going through it a second time..... but one thing's for sure..... my experiences with her..... are going into a new and fresh book...... she deserves the time and effort i will put in.... and it is worth every single effort that i will hopefully be able to remember her till the day i die... that book has grown since 14 feb 2004.

goodnight fellow readers....

"No matter how far apart we are, your thoughts will most surely reach me if you send them through the sky. There's nothing to obstruct them there"