"One would not die instantly with a stab in the back, but would die a slow and painful death as you slowly crumble to the ground.... trying to picture why.... why...... was this so...." --- Chua BS
sigh.... a day of anguish.... today i paid dearly for what i have done... really dearly.... i was lost.... i didn't know what to do.... i didn't know what to think.... i didn't know what to feel..... life seemed meaningless..... sighz.... really amazed at how such a honest act could have turned into something like this.....

i don't know whether its because of the lack of sleep or something.... but somehow.... i've not been able to trust anyone at all lately.... its like.... i'm all alone.... isolated..... its like when you take a leap of faith.... when in that leap.... you are neither at your goal.... nor at your safety zone..... only trust a few of my friends in jc nowz.... and yahz.... the newest edition to the trusted list...... has somehow..... backstabbed me...... i cannot confirm this for sure as i'm raging with emotions now.... fury, rage, anger, dissapointment, regret, satisfaction.... i know i may be making a biased decision..... even now i can't make the usual utilitarian viewpoint of things anymore.....

sighz...... in a sense i'm slightly more in control now that things are... somewhat changing for the better.... i hope... i had to admit.... my eyes have been teary the whole night... manz..... but i must say.... in times like this.... i know who my real friends are ready to lend me a listening ear....

well... on the brighter side of things.... all of todays mail was for me.... one being SATS... screw it... no mood to read it at allz.... and the other... hahaha.... AFRC was put behind the letter..... what does that refer to? "Air Force Recruitment Centre" and yahz.... i'm being scheduled in for a medical this month wef from apr 1. and yahz its not a pre-aprils fool joke.....

i've wondered so many times of washing my hands of the matter and shutting my feelings down again and again and AGAIN!!!! basket.... but i don't have the heart to do it...... cause its like taking the fuel away from the engine.... you're left with just twisted metal..... nothing more than that..... an empty can and empty life..... but i will perservere.... i must..... (shit got some tears rolling..... dang....) i will not shut down these doors..... cause this time.... i see hope..... hope that things will become better..... hope that life will turn out for the best.... and i'll come out smiling.... i've always been able to get back on track when i close those doors.... but nowz.... someone more special..... somemore reason to leave them open.....

sometimes......thinking that i will be selling my life to the military as a military dog.... has not been such a bad idea.... cause all i get...... is nothing..... there's no life in me anymore..... not like there was in the first place....

sighz..... i pray everynight know praying and hoping that things will get better.... that i don't have to result in myself selling my life to the military rather than joining to military to be with my passion...

sighz..... i'm messed up again..... damm..... what have i done to deserve this? what was an innocent honest deed had turned into something more evil than that..... sighz..... gonna end it here tonight..... i can't bear it anymore..... i'm really on the verge of tears flushing down my cheeks.... good day good night..... but its not a good bye yet.....

"Being shot by the enemy is all an honourable soldier can ask for... rather than to die waiting for action to happen" --- Chua BS